Timing is Everything

Timing. It’s a funny thing when you think about it.

I don’t mean funny as in LOL or funny as in hardy har har. I mean funny as in bizarre. Strange. Extremely unfortunate.  Good timing is often given credit for helping people begin new relationships or careers; two of the most important contributing factors to a person’s happiness and well being. On the other hand, bad timing is often blamed for the demise of those very same things. We’ve all heard people say, “He/she would have been just perfect for me, but the timing was all wrong,” or “If the timing had been right, that job could have been mine.” And let’s not forget split second timing…the kind that wins or loses races for athletes. The same kind of timing, I swear, that makes the difference between really great tasting microwave popcorn or the charred remnants that make you think you’ve accidentally fed yourself ashes straight from a fire pit.

And then, my friends, there’s the kind of timing that simply can’t be described in words. It’s the kind that allows a UPS delivery man the opportunity to overhear an innocent, but nonetheless disastrous comment you’ve made through your open bathroom window on a rainy summer morning.

Oh yes, timing is everything.

Please…allow me to set the scene. This morning was a typical one at the Field house. Morning exercise rituals had been carried out, breakfasts had been eaten, and dishes had been cleaned and put away. My son and I were looking forward to a day filled with school supply shopping and lunch at a favorite eating spot. Having already showered and dressed, I was anxious to get a move on. Setting a fresh towel on the window sill for him to use when he was done, I asked him to please come into the bathroom to take a shower so we could get going. As he walked down the hallway he popped his head in and gave me the same response to that request that he’d already given me several times this morning, “Okay Mom, just give me a sec!”

It’s only a slight exaggeration to say that he’s responded to me with that same statement about 3,948,509 times this summer. And you know what? I wasn’t in the mood to wait today. I just wasn’t. So, summoning my most authoritative tone, I loudly complained, “All I’ve been doing all morning long is giving you extra secs and I’m tired of it, now come in here and take a shower!” Even though my hands were still gesturing wildly from the dramatic air quotes I’d put around the word secs, the impact of what I’d said still managed to fully embrace me. I heard the unintended inappropriateness of it the second I said it. And so, surely, did the young man in the brown UPS uniform, who at that very moment in time, had the misfortune to be dropping off my new jeans on the back steps. The back steps that were only about 4 feet from the open bathroom window. The very same open bathroom window out of which I had actually just bellowed the words, “All I’ve been doing all morning long is giving you extra secs.”

Sweet Mother of God…what had I done?

Wanting to, as quickly as possible, right the very tragic wrong that was unfolding, I frantically pulled up the screen so I could stick my head out the window and show my face. I wanted the young man to see me while I politely and casually explained that all was not as it seemed…or rather, all was not as it sounded. My intent was to provide a calm and reasonable explanation of what he had just overheard. Unfortunately, any amount of intended serenity for that moment went out the window (if you will) when, by the time I pulled myself together to speak, I realized he was already down the steps and halfway across the walkway leading to our driveway. For some strange reason he appeared to be in a real hurry to get out of there. Frazzled and panicked, I stuck my head as far out that window as possible, and in the same frenzied voice that a parent trying to keep a child from running out into traffic would use, I screeched, “Just to clarify, I’m actually talking to my son in here!”

Yes. Well done. That made things all kinds of better.

For the second time in 20 seconds I realized the catastrophic implications of what I’d said and the downright failure of my use of language. As I dangled there awkwardly, I struggled to maintain my dignity as much as I struggled to maintain the balance of my full weight on my hips as they rested on the window sill. That unfortunate image, I’m afraid, is the last thing that poor driver saw as he halfheartedly waved over his shoulder, tossed me only the briefest of backward glances, and went into full scamper mode before disappearing around the side of my house.

What was I to do? After a quick scan to the left and right to make sure none of my neighbors were anywhere around, and in as refined a fashion as was humanly possible given the position I was in (imagine the elegance and grace an elephant might exhibit while making its way around a ropes course), I finagled the upper half of my body back inside the bathroom and slid the screen window back into place. Trying to figure out what my next move should be, I turned to face my inquisitive son who, as it turned out, was still standing in the bathroom door looking thoroughly confused. 2829310-630x383Torn between whether I wanted to run out the front door to see if I could catch the UPS driver (who at that point was very likely burning rubber to get out of my neighborhood) or respond to my son when he asked, “What just happened here?” I decided to answer his question. Knowing that the specific set of circumstances I found myself in at that moment didn’t exactly lend themselves to introducing the topic of the birds and the bees in the gentlest of ways, I decided to go the completely irrational route. Hands on hips, chin lifted in the air to appear somewhat virtuous, I responded, “He obviously thought I was going to the bathroom in here, and I wanted to make it clear that I wasn’t.” With a somewhat incredulous stare, he said, “Mom, that doesn’t even make sense!” Becoming increasingly panicked and desperate, I furthered my explanation by making even less sense. ”Wouldn’t you be embarrassed if you thought the UPS man heard you peeing when it’s just about to rain?”

What?

And with that I stormed out of the bathroom and down the hall, but not before I looked over my shoulder and said accusingly, “None of this would have happened in the first place if you’d just taken a shower when I asked you to!”

There. I showed him. So much for remaining calm and reasonable.

So here it is, only a few short hours later, and as I sit here on the couch half expecting the authorities to show up at any moment, I can’t help but think about timing. It really is a funny thing when you think about it. In fact, any other Wednesday I might end a post by stating that I hope everyone enjoyed a happy hump day…but somehow, on this particular Wednesday…the timing just doesn’t seem right.

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14 thoughts on “Timing is Everything

  1. Haha my husband is a UPS driver you aren’t the only one that stuff like this happens to if it makes you feel any better !! He comes home with some pretty hilarious stories 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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